LAMPOONING TED CRUZ
If you’re Republican and right-wing you will celebrate the news
That first of all the candidates to enter is Ted Cruz
He’s the only one you know who will not deign to compromise
With Democrats who offer socialism in disguise.
He’ll never rest till he achieves the goal for which you yearn
Ensuring that Obamacare is killed and won’t return.
Regulations will be fewer and taxes will be less
And as soon as he’s the president he’ll close the IRS.
Of course, if you’re a Democrat you’ll have a different view
A Cruz administration would be a witches’ brew,
With the New Deal quite abolished, Medicare in private hands,
And a vast increase in weapons for invading foreign lands.
No need for you to panic for his chance is rather slim.
The pundits all declare that this is not the year for him.
Yet I wouldn’t be complacent, he has time enough to wait
For the race in twenty-twenty, twenty- four and twenty-eight.
He’s a Senator, good-looking, charismatic, articulate, part-Hispanic, a Harvard Law School graduate highly rated by his professors . Yet, even before he announced his candidacy for the presidency at Liberty University, Ted Cruz was a prime subject of merciless ridicule by massed ranks of satirists. For even among the growing number of politicians who foreswore the political tools of compromise and negotiation, Cruz stood out as a no-holds-barred absolutist, the leader of an effort that shut down the federal government for sixteen days.
So cartoonists played with variations on the loss of “Cruz control” as he drove his party off a cliff; or showed him stranded on an island, confident that a departing GOP liner would come back for him; or dispensing “Senator Cruz Aid” to fellow Republicans; or presenting his “scorched earth plan” to kill Obamacare – a nuclear explosion; or offering a burrito laced with an armed stick of dynamite to a Hispanic.
The late night comedians piled on . Conan O’Brien said Cruz “pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s,” and that his speeches wooing Hispanics were “an effort to reach out to the people he’s trying to deport”. David Letterman opined that Cruz’ announcement for the presidency meant that “he’s one step closer to being a Fox News analyst”, and that, along with Donald Trump’s entry into the race, it was ” part of the Republican plan to make Jeb Bush look presidential.” And Bill Maher declared Cruz was furious “when a big storm back east shut down the government. He said ‘that’s my job.’”
The New Yorker’s Andy Borowitz warned us that “a man who was born in California and drifted to Texas, has been spotted in Washington, D.C. in recent years, exhibiting erratic behavior.” Borowitz was also among several critics who lambasted Cruz for hypocritically signing his wife up for Obamacare; and Borowitz had Obama signing an executive order denying Cruz coverage as “a necessary humanitarian gesture to protect Ted from the law he hates”; Cruz responds with :” I never said I don’t want to have it. I said I didn’t want everyone else in the country to have it.”
Online magazines, noting that Cruz was born in Canada of a Cuban father and
American mother, gleefully picked up the birther theme previously featured in anti-
Obama rants. And “ Onion” gave us a list of things we should know about Cruz
"Political Positions: Deafening”
“Campaign Platform: Be a distraction for a few months.”
And, as I suggested in my opening verse:
“Likelihood of Becoming President: Hukabeesque”
“Number of Presidential Runs Left In Him: Ugh, at least three or four.”